it wasn't lemon gatorade
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
