Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
