Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
