i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
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