Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
