only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
