you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
