I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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