Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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