so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
