I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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