I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
