Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
