Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
