I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Randomize
