he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
