So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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