I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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