it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
