i need an iv and a liver transplant
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
