Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
