didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
