im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
