I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
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