The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i love accidental penises.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
