I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
