She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
