when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
