i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
