Apparently you make a good broom.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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