Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
