Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize