They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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