last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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