yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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