Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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