i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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