i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
