I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
