I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
