Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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