you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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