So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
