I heard we made out
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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