he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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