so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
