Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
