My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
this beer tastes like vomit already
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize