Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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