dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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