This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
