Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
