I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
