While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
