so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
