did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
