my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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