I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
