seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
