Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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