Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
