dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
