some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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